At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
