The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
