Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
