i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
