Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
