How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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