Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
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