I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
