So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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