I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize