I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
