im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Rumble strips road head = magical
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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