Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im holly from the hills drunk
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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