We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
