no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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