u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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