Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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