I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
