You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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