I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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