I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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