just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
