I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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