I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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