i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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