She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Is Oprah even human
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
