Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize