she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize