I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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