I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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