OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
