I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
