dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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