I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
