i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
