anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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