i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
