If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Found your dick twin last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
