I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
