Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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