From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Still dying that you shit outside
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
