So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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