I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
