Just fell off a train. Bad.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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