Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
