You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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