I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
