Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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