i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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