Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
where are my eyebrows?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize