Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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