I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
