Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
