i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
