just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
