you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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