im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
