I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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